FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Inside you there are two wolves
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?