My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
AM I BEING GASLIT????