*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You Might Also Like
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture