dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.