Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
We need more people like this.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.