[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
bought wrong eggs
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.