cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
everyone’s a critic
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!