My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.