Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires