“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.