[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Siri: Retweet me.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The Punning Dead.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
They grow up so quick
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.