Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you