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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?