Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…