WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
The fall of Netflix
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
🤣
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.