4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.