“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
That’s a good costume, I hope.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though