You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
People buying plungers never look happy.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Holy shit he’s back
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this