When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
haha same
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.