Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
when nothing goes right… go left
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]