My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.