Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Got him!
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good