‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money