Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Help Wanted
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve