I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”