“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won