me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest