[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
You Might Also Like
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Not even remotely sorry.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook