I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
incredible book dedication
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I love twitter
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok