Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.