[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Dance like you’re not the father
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut