Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.