“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Yes, this is exactly right
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Strange
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this