Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children