[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
me when the borders lift
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.