Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.