A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now