Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead