ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.