I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
#damn
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.