Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses