her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol