My kitchen overserved me.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying