I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍