When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.