[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Cheers Twitter.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.