“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.