Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.