The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.