my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Tell the colonel to bring it
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet